2003-01-13 - 4:13 p.m.

Do you get random, uncalled-for, oft-disturbing impulses to do things? Not so much voices in your head, but a mental flash of yourself acting out said urge? I guess I used to think everyone had these thoughts. Or rather they were so natural to me, I didn�t even bother questioning whether or not it was normal. Kind of like sneezing or trying to decide what to wear.

But a few years ago, I remember realizing that the mini-movie that had just played briefly in my head of me stabbing my grandmother was probably not something most people ever felt. Later, I asked my sister if that ever happened to her, and she said that sure � she�d often wanted to crash into a parked car or stand up in a movie theater and start singing � though she said they never involved hurting anyone. Throughout the years, I�ve asked a few other people, and some have admitted to similar thoughts, while others have looked at me like I need to be institutionalized. Just now, I thought about the imaginary sequences often featured on Six Feet Under, but even then, that�s more of a reaction to a specific situation than a fleeting, insane daydream.

Today, I asked my therapist about it, and she seemed very intrigued. She wanted to link it to the fact that I am a highly creative person, yet somehow intertwine it with the general theme of Anxiety that she is assessing for me. For those of you who don�t know, I recently started seeing someone to deal with my Post Traumatic Stress from the robbery.

While in the waiting room, I was observing a mother and her 2 small children. The mother was showing the girl some pictures of animals, as the little boy was busily playing by her side. �Look, it�s a monkey!� said the mom. The boy, who was not particularly involved in the interaction between his mother and sister, reacted upon hearing the word monkey with, �hoooh! hoooh!� apparently his monkey impersonation. That�s perfectly natural behavior for a 5 year old, but what if say, my dad and sister were watching something on Discovery about monkeys, and my Dad said to my sister, �look at that monkey!� And I, who was perhaps doing a crossword puzzle, looked up and said, �hooh! hooh!� Chances are they would both look at me like I was weird. Now in my mind, I might THINK �hooh! hooh!� and that would be okay, because I would be the only one to know about it. In this situation, the desire to make the monkey noise is reactive, and my decision not to make it is repressive. I don�t know how related it is to the aforementioned random impulses other than that in some way, they are all inappropriate. Making Penelope get out of the car at a red light and driving away is light-years more inappropriate than making monkey noises, and I would never do it in a million years, but it�s one of thousands of horrible thoughts I�ve had. And I don�t think my decision not to act on them is repressive; it�s sanity slapping me in the face saying, �Hey! Sicko! Stop thinking things like that!� But then, is the fact that I might think the monkey noise really not so abnormal?

The other day in the kitchen at work, I was getting together my lunch while standing next to this guy who was doing the same. Thing is, we both really, REALLY dislike each other, and he generally tries to leave a room if I enter. For whatever reason, perhaps that there were 4 other people in there, he didn�t leave, and we were both trying to prepare our lunches as speedily as possible, while doing this almost perfectly choreographed dance between the microwave, the toaster, the sink, the refrigerator, the utensil drawers, and the trashcan. All the while, we didn�t say a word or acknowledge each other, and the ordinarily chatty ladies in the kitchen were suddenly silent. Most of them know how much we dislike each other, so I�m sure they were stifled by the tension. In the meantime, I was having evil thoughts about his having evil thoughts about me � because I guarantee he has them too, and he was having them then � and that was making me actively fantasize about hurting him right there in the kitchen in front of 4 witnesses. The same exact types of thoughts I try to squelch when they are about someone else.

But I couldn�t hurt a fly. Well, maybe a fly, and definitely a roach, but not a lizard or anything. Or a monkey. So apparently, my sweet, animal-loving, peaceful, honest side is capable of outweighing the evil urges I have. I just hope it stays that way.

Feel free to comment on this subject matter in my guestbook. I reckon it�ll be a coon�s age fore�n ye get such deep thinkin� in these here parts agin.

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