2001-12-06 - 10:23 a.m.

You know those horrid made for cable Christmas movies that for whatever reason, you get sucked into watching? Or should I say "suckered" into watching?

So last night, saddened by the fact that "Ed" was pre-empted, and Cocks Cable took HBO Plus away from those of us who haven't made the switch to digital (because Kevin Spacey was on in "The Big Kahuna"), I was forced to watch one of those movies. In my defense, I was making Christmas presents simultaneously, so it wasn't a COMPLETE waste of time.

The movie? "The Christmas Path" starring Vincent "Mullet Wig" Spano as a Christmas Angel. Mrs. Claus was played by none other than a plumped up, but still just as annoying, Marsha Wallace. First of all, Santa and the Mrs. LIVED IN OUTER SPACE! I'm sorry, but when I think of Santa, I do not see stars and a swirling vortex of gasses behind him. He didn't even look jolly or wear a cap, he just looked like a fat, pissed, homeless Christopher Lloyd!

As for the "plot," apparently, one little boy was responsible for "opening the gap" that somehow meant that if his faith was not restored, Christmas would be a thing of the past. And who better to restore his faith than bad-boy Vincent Spano? Of course, he was a bit of a renegade, and that landed him powerless and in jail. See, Christopher Lloydish took his powers away because he kept abusing them. So when he was caught breaking into a house (because he was following the troubled boy in to prevent him from robbing the place), the cops arrested him and found a bag of "Angel Dust" in his pocket. Nevermind that further testing would have proved it to be just glitter. He said it was angel dust; therefore, it should be added to the charges against him. What happened to the sexy pin-up of "Over the Edge" and "Rumblefish" days?

Meanwhile, down-on-her-luck, badly cap-toothed Dee Wallace Stone tries to stay employed, keep from getting her family evicted, find some angel wings for her daughter so she could be in the school play, and encourage her son (the faithless boy) to stop being so angry. His anger is due to his father's recent death, and the family's impending poverty.

Along comes Angel Vince who manages to unfold a series of co-inky-dinks that suddenly make the unfortunate family, as well as his court appointed lawyer, the bailiff and the judge think that, gee, maybe he really IS an angel. Thus all the faith is restored, and the gap is closed. Yea! Vincent saved Christmas!

Of course, who could blame them for doubting him? If some tough-guy with a bad mullet wig tried to convince ME he was an angel, I wouldn't have believed him either.

It just makes me cringe to think how desperate these people are that they have to take these roles.

Of course next week, we have the smarmy "Three Days" to look forward to. It stars Kristin Davis, who most people know from "Sex and the City," but I still remember when she and Andrew Shue participated in who's-the-worse-actor-offs on Melrose Place. The best moment had something to do with Brooke's ghost appearing to him out by the pool. Shue does some double take that is so forced and badly acted, I had to rewind and watch it like, 50 times. Ahhhh, bad TV.

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