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2001-11-24 - 12:15 p.m.

She�s got legs. She knows how to use �em. Use �em to drive her new P.T. Cruiser around town, that is. Who is she? My MOM! It�s just insane! I know you don�t all know her, but those of you who do realize how undeniably laughable it is. My mom is like, if Angela Lansbury was Martha Stewart or something. Just trust me. It�s hilarious. Good news for me though � I got her previous car. It�s a �94 Corolla with 39,000 miles on it, plus power locks and windows! My �92 Corolla was about to hit 90,000, and other things were starting to appear problematic. So Hooray for the P.T. Cruiser! There�s a sentence I never thought I�d say. Only god forbid in 7 years, I should become recipient of the hand-me-down Cruiser! No way, no how. If anyone wants to see a picture of her standing in front of it, email me, and I will send it to you.

In other news: Phil Anselmo got married on Halloween! He and his wife were pictured in the wedding announcement section of yesterday�s paper. He had his hair in 2 braids, and wore all black and many necklaces. She looked like a normal bride. The best though, was that nowhere in the blurb did it say he was in Pantera! Of course I saved it for posterity. And speaking of things I saved for posterity, several years ago, two sisters from New Orleans married two of the guys in Tony, Toni, Tone. It was a double wedding no less! You can be certain I�ve still got that in the archives somewhere.

Today, I also want to discuss a few commercials that have stood out to me recently. There is a videotape for sale by the choreographer for N*Sync and Britney. He slows the dances down, and teaches YOU how to do them! There�s one shot where he�s saying �Bye Bye Bye,� and dramatically demonstrating the arm movement that corresponds with each �Bye.� That pretty much takes the cake right there.

But then there�s also a commercial for a CD � I believe is called �Kids Pop� or �Kids Poop� or something similar. The ad features scenes of kids of all races and ages playing together in harmony as they all sing along to their favorite pop hits. But as if BSB, J Lo, Britney, Mandy, Jessica, O Town, and Lance & the Gang weren�t bad ENOUGH, they bring in some schmucks to do COVERS of these songs. And these poor people, they are probably the ones that sing about furniture and laundry detergent and THIS is FINALLY their Big Break! No Dearies, only Alfonso Ribeiro can give you THAT.

Pizza in the mornin� Pizza in the evenin� Pizza at suppertime � With Pizza on a Bagel you can have Pizza anytime. We are all familiar with this little ditty. But what we were not expecting, what jolted us right off of our sofa in utter disbelief was the new rocked-out, cooler, speed-metal version of the old classic. This version ends with �suppertime� though. But here�s what I want to know. And I can�t decide which scenario scares me more. They guy who sang it � was it just some normal dweeby studio guy � the same guy who might sing about new Beneful dogfood, if they had a song? Or did they get a pro? Some out of work metalhead they picked up at the Rainbow or some place. Some guy who still thinks it�s the late 80s?

I know this is like saying the sky is blue or 2+2=4, but CARROT TOP IS SO FUCKING BEASTLY! How can he live with himself. Granted, his hair is actually nice, but it would look better on a girl. But honestly, I know he knows he's obnoxious and pesky, but does he realize how ugly he is? Does he keep his wacky facade on all the time, even in an attempt to fool himself? Or does he come home and look in the mirror and cry? Certainly he can't be so misguided that he thinks he's hot. He looks as abnormal as Michael Jackson or Joan Rivers, but he was BORN like that. I almost feel sorry for him.

And lastly, I hate that I refer to Taco Bell�s new Chicken Quesadilla as the �hot new hand-held.� But I do. And they are delish.

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