2001-09-14 - 1:14 p.m.

I have not updated recently in light of the devastating events with the terrorists. For days, I could do nothing but panic, cry, feel enraged, and express my opinions about what we should do to the responsible parties to anyone who would listen. However, life goes on and people can not allow themselves to become crippled by these events. While America heals and prepares itself for the inevitably unpleasant future, I suggest we get in some laughs while we can. As �they� say, laughter really IS the best medicine. So without further ado�

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You know who�s scary? I�ll tell you who�s scary. It�s that Ronald McDonald! Yes, I know it seems like an obvious statement, but it couldn�t be more accurate. I was quietly pondering Ron the other day when it actually occurred to me on a conscious level FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER that it�s someone dressed up in a costume! And that he�s not the same guy he�s always been! That opened the door to a whole new line of questions:

1. How many people have played Ronald McDonald?

2. How often does he actually have to get dressed up?

3. Does he LIKE it?

4. Does he have nightmares about himself?

5. Is there more than one Ronald simultaneously?

6. What does he look like without the Ronald drag?

7. What kind of a person would DO something like that?

8. What are the qualifications McDonald�s looks for in a new Ronald?

9. What are the auditions like?

10. How many reject Ronalds are there out there?

11. If Ronald were not actually a guy in costume, if he really WAS real, would he have genitals?

12. Will anyone who read #11 ever want to eat a �Big Mac� again?

So after internally fielding my own silent questions, I said out loud to my friends: �If I ever have a talk show, I want to have the guy who plays Ronald McDonald on as a guest . . . WITHOUT the makeup.� And the way I felt about that emotionally, was that it would be comparable to having a child molester on as a guest. Why did I feel that way? I am not even making that up!

Then somehow, it was decided that after talking to him, he should suit up, get on stage, and sing Earth Wind & Fire�s �Reasons.� If you don�t know that song, some of the humor may be lost on you, but you could substitute any of the following songs for equal effect: �On the Wings of Love� � Jeffery Osbourne; �Solid as a Rock� � Ashford & Simpson; or �Joanna� � Kool & the Gang.

But perhaps, the most frightening thing Ronald has ever done, was this: Remember about 5 years ago, McDonald�s came out with a new hamburger that they were trying to market as a more �adult� taste? There was a series of commercials depicting Ronald participating in more �adult� activities. There was the one where he was playing golf, which was lame, but not really offensive. The one of which I speak, however, the �scary� one, was the one where Ronald was at a RAVE � raising the roof with all the teens.

WAIT! STOP! OH SHIT!

This brings me to another, even MORE horrifying memory! So horrifying, I�d obviously repressed it until this very moment!

A year or so ago, there was a new gold coin meant to replace the dollar bill � I don�t think I ever even saw one in real life. But there was a series of commercials to promote it, and the �star,� if you will, of the commercial was George (as seen on the dollar bill) Washington�s animated head superimposed on an actual human body. And the worst one of all was when he was AT A RAVE! George Washington�s animated head. On a human body. Doing the cabbage patch. God help us all!

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