2001-09-05 - 3:21 p.m.

You know what makes me sad? When an actor or musician I like makes a pathetic career choice - because they HAVE no other choice.

Case in point, Julian Sands. I was a fan from the moment I saw him as Rob Lowe's arch-rival in early 80's classic "Oxford Blues." That nose! That hair! That BODY! It was plain to see that the man was carved out of GOLD! A few years later, he appeared in "A Room with a View," with several other *fine British thespians* who went on to bigger and better roles. He'd also had other respectable roles early in his career in films such as "The Killing Fields" and "The Doctor and the Devils."

I suppose his first "weird" movie was "Gothic," in which he portrayed the poet Shelly, but his oddest scene in that only involved him standing naked on a roof in the rain. And hey, that was a NICE scene if you know what I mean. And I think you do...

He had a few other bit parts in strange films, but when he chose the lead role in "Warlock," I really had to wonder. Julian was a thespian! Not a hack! But lately, every role I see him in gets more and more insane.

"Boxing Helena" - for those of you who saw this movie, you understand what I'm getting at. For those who have not, it's about a doctor that kidnaps the woman he's lusting and keeps her drugged until he eventually removes her arms and legs and keeps her in a box. I did that to a crawfish once. At least he LOOKED good.

"One Night Stand" - he's a male nurse. Okay, that's fine. But later, without ANY sort of explanation, he shows up at a party in the hospital room of Robert Downey, Jr., a patient of his who is dying of AIDS. Not so weird, okay. But he was wearing a black mesh tank top and PEARLS! If we'd had any background on the character, seen him involved in a gay tryst, MAYBE I could have accepted it. But it was SO RANDOM!

"Time Code" - his part is brief, but he plays a travelling masseuse who wears a blue nylon tank top and blue and white nylon jogging shorts. That's fine for some unknown guy, but Julian the Greek God should not be WASTED in such a pointless, non-him-like role.

"Mercy" - he plays a psychiatrist who dresses in drag - which I generally consider to be a GOOD thing. But his "wig" is more of a weird hairpiece that does nothing to hide his receding hairline peninsula (think Phil Collins). That is a FINE hairstyle on him as a man, as Adonis, but NOT AS A WOMAN! NO WOMAN HAS A HAIR PENINSULA! So after we watch him paint his face and gussy up, he proceeds to "dance" in the shadows no less - like an epileptic ragdoll on a weak pogo stick. Thank GOD it was in the shadows. The drag scene did not come 'til later in the movie, and I was honestly thinking, finally! Julian Sands in a role he can be proud of! But no...

What are the casting directors sitting around "What British guy can we cast as this freak? This is a role NO ONE would want to play. Let's get Cary Elwes! No, the worst thing he ever did was 'The Crush.' How about Rupert Everett? Can't, he's friends with Madonna now. Too much weight. Gabriel Byrne? Nah, too old. Hey, I know, get Sands in here! He'll do ANYTHING!"

Granted, there are many movies he's been in lately that I have not even heard of, let alone seen, so I *could* be pleasantly surprised by him yet again. But you know, when he's credited as "Pokemon Collector" in "Pokemon the Movie: 2000," you really have to wonder...

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